Grief is a journey, and everyone has their unique way of processing it. Each person experiences grief differently, as we are all distinct individuals with our own personalities, emotions, and traits. This diversity is what makes humanity beautiful.
It's often through loss and heartache that you gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Your priorities realign, values shift, and you find clarity on what and who matters most in your life. Embracing this process allows for profound personal growth and a renewed focus on the essential aspects of life.
Im going to take you through a journey of how I process my grief. I hope this resonates with people that its okay to feel, see, and process your heartache in a way that's best for you.
Grief is a highly personal journey, and the ways we navigate through it can be as unique as our individual fingerprints. I'd like to take you through my own experience of processing grief, in the hope that it resonates with those who are feeling the weight of loss, heartache, or an identity crisis.
While many discuss the stages of grief, often portrayed in neat, linear diagrams, the reality is far more complex and less predictable. Grief doesn't follow a straight path; it ebbs and flows, often catching us off guard. Above is an image visualizing these stages—click on it to navigate to an article that delves deeper into understanding and managing grief.
What people rarely acknowledge is the emotional rollercoaster that grief embodies. One moment you might feel like you're making significant progress, only to find yourself the next moment crumpled on the kitchen floor, overwhelmed by tears and heartache. This oscillation can lead to frustration and a sense of stagnation.
It's crucial to recognize that this fluctuation is a natural part of the grieving process. There's no right way or timetable for healing. Allowing yourself to feel these waves, without self-judgment, and understanding that setbacks are a normal part of the journey can make the path through grief a little more bearable. Embrace the imperfection of this process and the complexities it can have of our emotions.
As the oldest in my family, I fully understand the responsibility that comes with ensuring my siblings and parents are well taken care of. While it's often a heavy burden for a caring soul and can be emotionally and physically draining, it also brings immense joy and fulfillment. Taking care of my family is one of the greatest joys of my life, allowing me to support and nurture the people I love most.
As a result, during challenging times, I often find myself postponing the processing of my own emotions, prioritizing the care and well-being of others. I feel a deep sense of responsibility to step up when others cannot. While growing up, I struggled with processing my emotions, perceiving crying as a sign of weakness. However, through extensive counseling, I have come to understand that expressing emotions fosters vulnerability and allows others to care for me—something I find particularly difficult.
Past circumstances have made it challenging for me to feel safe expressing my feelings, often due to the controlling behaviors of those around me. Nonetheless, I continue to work on embracing emotional expression, recognizing it as a crucial aspect of both personal well-being and healthy relationships.
When Alec passed away, I took on the role of the family's decision-maker. I coordinated efforts to support my sister, cared for my other siblings, managed interactions with the media, served as the family spokesperson, provided updates, organized meal planning, contacted my younger sister's school, ensured Casey's information remained private, looked after my parents, and juggled countless other responsibilities. This brings us to the central focus of this article: How do I process my grief while managing all these responsibilities?
I process my grief through imagery and music. You might be thinking, "Of course, Ashley would use photos to cope." Photography has always been a significant part of my life, and it comes naturally to me to express emotions through this medium. Capturing moments, however fleeting, allows me to frame my feelings in a context that I can both understand and revisit.
Still, despite my creative outlets, I often struggle to feel safe expressing my emotions around others. I have a hard time trusting people completely, and I don’t want to burden them with my deep, often complex emotions. The fear of judgment or causing concern prevents me from opening up, forcing me to rely heavily on my own methods of emotional release.
Music, on the other hand, offers me an unfiltered way to experience and process my feelings. Whether I’m grappling with intense anger, deep sorrow, or quiet contemplation, I find solace in letting the music take control. It acts as a conduit, allowing me to feel my emotions in their most raw and unrefined state.
Whatever I’m feeling, I embrace it fully. I let myself dive into the heartache, letting it permeate every fiber of my being. This vulnerability, rather than breaking me, eventually brings a strange sense of healing. I allow myself to be undone, piece by piece, and then gradually, I stitch myself back together. This process of deconstruction and reconstruction helps me come to terms with my reality.
Ultimately, this journey leads me to a place of acceptance and peace. I find comfort in believing that my loved one is still watching over us. I imagine them laughing at our antics or rolling their eyes at our less-than-brilliant decisions. This thought brings a sense of connection, a reminder that their presence persists in some form, guiding and comforting me through the complexities of grief.
When a person dies, all we have left of them are the memories and the photos. These photos act as windows into the past, transporting us back to those moments. They allow us to relive the emotions we felt at that time – whether it's the joy of laughter, the warmth of love, the intensity of debate, or the excitement of celebration.
It's important to remember that while our present emotions can sometimes cloud our perception, we should try not to let a happy memory become tainted by current sadness. Photos serve as constant reminders that, despite the hardships and cruelties that life can present, there is an inherent beauty that endures. This beauty is what fosters our love for life and deepens our appreciation for the special people we welcome into our lives.
In this way, photos are not just images on paper or a screen; they encapsulate the essence of those precious moments, preserving them for us to cherish. They teach us to hold on to what is beautiful in life and to value the relationships that enrich our existence. In remembering and recounting those experiences, looking at these photos with fresh eyes, we find solace and strength, realizing that the love and connections shared can never truly be lost.
The photo above always brings a smile to my face. Alec didn't want a photo by himself on their wedding day – he insisted on blending in with the crowd. But, thanks to a little magic from Photoshop, I managed to get one of him solo. So, I guess I win this round, Alec!
Capturing these moments from my sister and Alec's apartment was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. She asked me to document what their home looked like, and every corner of the place holds memories and emotions that are still raw. Here are my top four and how it helped my process our new reality:
The first image is of my sister's paints and canvases. She's an extraordinary painter, something Alec truly admired about her. The canvas in the shot was one she was working on the night Alec went missing. He had asked for a painting of a sunset over a sunflower field. It remains unfinished, a poignant reminder of the hopes and plans abruptly halted. Seeing her art around their home was always a joy, but now, it transports me back to that waiting period - the hope that slowly turned into crushing reality.
To create the second image I wanted to capture the essence of their love, my sister entrusted me with some of their most personal items. Here’s some context for each:
- The boots: Alec wore these on every one of their dates, from their first to their last. They hold the traces of countless memories and adventures.
- The Polaroids: These came from their fridge, capturing some of their favorite moments. Every snapshot tells a story of laughter, love, and shared experiences.
- The journal: This holds their love letters from when they were long-distance. Each entry is a testament to their unwavering commitment to each other, regardless of the miles that once separated them.
- The dried flowers: This was the last bouquet Alec gave my sister when she passed her NCLEX exam and officially became a nurse. It’s a symbol of his unwavering support and pride in her achievements.
Each of these items is a piece of their beautiful journey together. They remind me of their enduring love even amidst the heartache.
The third image features their flip flops alongside a jar of seashells. Casey has always been calm and collected among us siblings, especially during our beach outings. While we were busy tackling each other in the water, she would peacefully wander the shoreline, gathering seashells.
Alec, on the other hand, didn't care much for the beach. But for Casey, he made the effort. Together, they would collect seashells during their strolls, adding them to their growing jar of memories. I'm incredibly grateful that Alec nurtured that playful side of Casey, allowing her to relive the joy of her childhood every time they visited the beach.
Capturing the last image was the hardest for me. Their fridge, filled with Polaroids from all their first dates and precious memories, always brings tears to my eyes. Each photo tells a story, showcasing the deep bond they shared and the love that blossomed over time.
This fridge is more than just a collection of pictures; it represents the progression of their relationship and the dreams they were working toward. Seeing it now, knowing how everything disappeared overnight, is both heartbreaking and poignant.
These four photos are from a heartfelt memorial we held where they got married. Honestly, this experience was what really helped me navigate through my grief. During the memorial, I felt a numbness wash over me, and it wasn't until about 15 minutes afterward that the tears finally flowed. Standing in that same spot where, just two months prior, I had captured their joyful wedding photos was profoundly disorienting and surreal. It never crossed my mind that I'd be taking memorial photos instead of more moments of their wedded bliss. But in some unimaginable way, it allowed me to process my feelings and honor my sister's pain in a tasteful, meaningful manner.
In those moments at the memorial, I could feel an overwhelming mix of love and heartbreak hanging in the air. The intensity of my emotions—the anger, the desperate attempts to rationalize—was almost impossible to bear. Yet, finding acceptance served as the bandage that began to heal all my lingering 'whys' and 'what ifs.' It was as though capturing those images allowed me to safely embrace my grief and transform it into a tribute to the love they shared and the life that was so tragically cut short.
Grief ebbs and flows. One minute you're swimming, the next you're sinking. You aren't just dealing with the pain of losing someone—you’re also confronting the stark reality of who truly cares about your well-being in your life. During these tough times, the clarity of genuine connections versus superficial ones becomes strikingly apparent.
Grief strips away the facade, revealing who the true friends and family are amidst the chaos of loss. Who showed up, who gave a damn, and who simply made it clear where you stood in the hierarchy of their lives. In that sense, I find myself grateful. Amid this merciless storm, I am thankful for the harsh truths that the grief uncovers.
I am grateful for the moments that define the real ones among the fake ones, for the hardship that gives definition to my character and fortifies my boundaries and values. Perhaps it’s in these relentless waves of sorrow that we build resilience and find the authentic threads that bind us to those who matter most. Amidst the heartbreak, the gratitude for what remains strong and true is a saving grace.
Grief, in all its vastness, does not define who we are. It should never give anyone the right to be mean or degrading. Yet, within its transformative depths, I've found a clarity that reshapes how I view life. Life is precious—it’s fleeting and fragile. We must capture it, cherish it, and savor every moment, no matter how wonderful or challenging.
Sometimes the chaos of emotions can feel overwhelming. But that’s life—a beautiful, chaotic mess. It's essential to let yourself feel everything, even when the sensations are intense and full of contradiction.
I've learned that within this whirlwind of feelings, there’s a raw beauty. It's in these moments that we learn to truly value those who stand by us—the ones who make our lives richer just by being there.
And then, there are the whispers of those we've lost. I like to think they're guiding us, gently reminding us each day and night to "Live for us." Their message urges us to live fully, to love deeply, and to treasure the connections and bonds we hold dear.
In remembering those we've lost and appreciating those who remain, we embark on this journey of life. It's chaotic and magnificent all at once. Let their encouragement draw us forward, reminding us that no matter how tough it gets, life is worth embracing, in all its beautiful, imperfect perfection.
We get this one indescribable life and it’s made meaningful by the people we share it with and the love we give to and receive from them. So, let’s honor the legacy of those who’ve gone before us by living with intention, because in the end, that’s what they want most for us.
